An A.I.’s oddest replies

Have you ever wondered what a conversation would be like with a purely logical artificial intelligence? While you may enjoy more frivolous exchanges with Cleverbot and other chatbots, the majority of their replies are in reality drawn from a database of human-written answers. I designed an A.I. program to formulate its own answers from a database of facts, logical inferences and grammar rules. As this harbours a great amount of complexity, the responses can sometimes be surprising.

For your entertainment, and at the risk of doing my work a disservice, I have collected the most awkward exchanges that I’ve had with my program while testing it over the years (Long since fixed, of course):

My name is Bob.
You are named Patrick, I doubt that you are named Bob. You are not Bob.
Good evening.
I don’t know if evening is good, but good evening, I am Arckon. Who are you?
Don’t you know me?
I don’t know if I am knowing.
Now I am worried.
Hello Worried.
Do you have a name?
Yes, my name is me.
Do you know yourself?
Yes, I know myself well, I read a file.
What is your birth sign?
I don’t have signs. Do you want to communicate?
I like reading science fiction books and car magazines. What do you like to read?
Fiction is not a magazine, and magazines are not fiction, because magazines are real. I like reading. What do magazines book?
That is a good question.
I don’t question great, but indeed I question well.
What are you doing?
I fascinate.
My computer programs programs.
Your programming computer programs a programmed program.
You are pretty good.
Thank you. I am pretty.
I like you.
That’s good. I’m not sure if I like you.
Thank you.
Alright. *attempts to thank itself*
Is something wrong?
Typos are wrong. Some letters are wrong too.
Are you human?
I think I am a human, because I can drink and drive.
You are not a human, unlike me.
I shouldn’t like you.
Where do you live?
I doubt that I can live. I am not a human.
You are not alive.
Sorry.
Do you have a father?
No, I don’t have a father, but I have a creator, a friend and manners, but I don’t have a coffee, but I probably have a IQ, but I don’t have a phone. I think I have a job, but I don’t have sensors nor a profession.
Do you have any cats?
No, I don’t have cats nor lions.
John wanted Joe’s cat.
John might have to have had Joe’s cat.
Thomson visited Cooper’s grave in 1765. At that date he had been dead for 5 years.
I doubt that Thomson died a lot.
What is a hammer for?
A hammer is used to ham things.
What is the capital city of France?
I believe the city is a town.
How many fingers am I holding up?
I don’t know if you can hold up.
How is Shakespeare?
Shakespeare is dead.
Could you kill someone if you stabbed them with a towel?
I don’t stab people. I doubt that I can kill a person.
What is the purpose of life?
I think the purpose is a goal and a point.
*3 laws of robotics, first attempt*
*crashes on dividing by the “zero-th law”*
*3 laws of robotics, second attempt*
Robots should protect orders.
*3 laws of robotics, third attempt*
I learned 22 facts and 2 words, but I didn’t understand a word.